If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
jump out the window naked night went bad
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
