So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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