the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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