I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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