my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
