listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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