I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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