I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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