i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
