For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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