Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Say something about gay babies.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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