My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
