Where did you get a picture of my penis
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
