When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
