so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
