did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he thought i was a dude.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
