She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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