literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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