do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
