I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
