Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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