and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
