I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
