He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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