Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
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