Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
