all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
