if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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