I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
