Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
