You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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