if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
