i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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