Kiss
Puke
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
