So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
