Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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