why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
