I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
