not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize