I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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