I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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