Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
