I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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