the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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