Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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