thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
