just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
