um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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