All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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