He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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