On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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