i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
