Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
