You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
