some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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