I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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