She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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