I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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