It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
