just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize