and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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