I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
false alarm, still single
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
