I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
