Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
