the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
