he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
