how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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