we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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