I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
