If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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