You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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